on sitting: writer’s ass

by Samuel Saint Thomas.

At 10:45 this morning, I was half an hour into it, on the exam table, pants off. She felt around on the left cheek of my ass, searching for the exact spot. She was sorry about the cold hands.

“Ahh, Jeeezus, that’s it. Wow,” I said.
“You’re pretty inflamed there on your buttocks,” she said.

The doctor told me that some sort of sac in my ass cheek is the problem. Bursae to be exact. Latin for handbag. Turns out, there are 150 of these little Latin bags all over the human body. I didn’t know I had sacs in my ass. “You’ve abused your bursae sacs,” she said. Who would have thought I could do that? Abuse my own ass. I don’t strap myself to thin fiberglass and rocket down steep slopes. I don’t flirt with avalanches or tsunamis. I don’t jump from planes, trains or bicycles. And I don’t sit on the toilet during a storm. I’ll wait, thank you.

Rather, I write. Turns out that’s quite risky. Sitting on chairs and walls and stools and such, crushes the sacs in your cheeks. I’d laugh right now, but I’m sitting in a coffee shop, on a hard chair, writing about the risk of sitting on hard chairs. I’m taking the risk to write about the risk of getting a pain in my ass from an activity that gets the heart rate up to slightly above looking out the window at a woodpecker.

“But, I’m a writer,” I said.
“You might want to consider a different position,” she said.

I explained that I’d loose my thought stream if I get up for a stroll. I said they’ve invented a treadmill mounted with a keyboard, but that’s still in beta. I suppose I could elevate the kitchen table on cement blocks and write like Hemingway. But didn’t he have bulging veins by the time he finished A Moveable Feast? Virginia Woolf stood up for the task, but we know what happened to her. How about if I just strap myself to an inverter? Are there any sac bags in my head?

But I was still in pain. I wanted to get to the cause of this sac issue in my ass. “It’s my boney ass, isn’t it? Right? I mean, I don’t like to self diagnose, especially with all those certificates on the wall, but I really think I have B.A.W.S., Boney Ass Writer’s Syndrome.” She suggested an x-ray. I said I’d pass on the radiation thing if it was ok. Harmful rays down there could be risky.

Instead, I went for the two week supply of 600 MG Ibuprofens, rotating hot towels and bags of ice cubes. I’ll give the Hemingway treatment a try too. I could also switch to heavy cream and eat a boatload of chocolate. That way I can write, eat my therapy and sit on it at the same time. But not completely satisfied, I Googled “boney ass.” Seems FreshPair has these padded butt boxer briefs in Black, White, and Nude “for guys who want to look good both coming and going.” I have no need for the contoured push-up pouch. I’m ok there.

But perhaps the ‘strategically placed oval enhancement panels’ could reduce the risk of B.A.W.S and keep me on my ass. The paddies got mixed reviews though. Smarky69 said, “The padding is nice when you don’t have the meat.” A verified reviewer noted, “ Not that I was going for a J-Lo look… they were a little uncomfortable…they weren’t really moving with me… I wore them out dancing, huge mistake.” So, I think I’ll just stick with the drowsy, icy, fat increasing routine for now. I’ve scored some desserts and 60 white oblong-shaped tablets imprinted with 6-I. Seems it’s working.

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  1. Danielle Park (Black)05 March, 2009

    It reminds me, believe it or not of a King of the Hill episode. I have kids therefore I watch to many cartoons. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it.
    Anyway, he had, like you said, padded underwear, but it was more like a jock strap holding two fake breast implants on his ass. I will leave out the rest of the plot to save your sanity.
    Eat some cheesecake or get a pillow to put under your bony ass.

  2. Do you remember those kneelers-at-your-desk pieces of furniture? Meant to be ergonomic and give you better posture, spread the load, so to speak? Either that or get a pillow. I've known guys who carry around a rubber doughnut...

  3. i did not know this could happen to people, but then i am not deprived in the booty department. you have saved me the trouble of losing 20 lbs- maybe you have literally saved my ass! thanks - i don't even know you!

  4. Ha! Great post. The world would be a much happier place with more ass-padding to go around.

  5. I never thought I'd be telling another writer this, but - those exercise balls? Also called birth balls, in some circles? The blow up kind -- the extra large one is very forgiving, causes you to work your core as you sit and work -- great for antsy kids at the dinner table, and people who work on their A-S-S.


hey thanks for the exchange.. great minds engage in healthy banter..